Reasons I am Scared...

I've been reading up once again on TEFL courses and people's opinions/experiences, I think it is going to be a recurring theme whilst I am off ~ it gives me something to focus on...

So why am I so nervous to talk to my parents about my idea??? Why do I keep coming up with loads of reasons why I shouldn't do it??? 

Well...my reasons and arguments inside my head for doing it and also NOT doing it are:

1) I am worried my parents will not be supportive of my idea ~ even though they have always supported me through everything in my little life so far. Even when I wanted to come home from Crewe following a relationship break down and would have no job here they welcomed me back with open arms...
- the reason why I think they'd be un-supportive is that I have a perfectly good job here. Leaving that guaranteed and steady job for something unpredictable may be seen as stupid! HOWEVER that's exactly the reason why the idea appeals to me so much. I don't have a house of my own or children so this would be the perfect time to escape and see some of the world...I feel that I need to take a "risk" and challenge myself, I currently live too "safely"!!!

2) I have my new little car which is only 3 days old lol...just bought a new car and if I go off gallivanting round the world then that was a complete waste of money! However I don't think I'd be going off straight away, like maybe not even until next year! So that's plenty time to drive my new vehicle, also if I go off abroad for a few weeks at a time I guess I'd be home quite regularly! Could always sell the car, this would get some of the money back that we spent on it in the 1st place...

3) I'd miss my friends and family ~ however a friend pointed out that I moved away to Stoke on Trent/Crewe from Lowestoft and my relationship with my parents/best friends did not deteriorate then! There's always email, Facebook, Twitter & Skype so I shouldn't really worry about relationships deteriorating...

4) Being alone on my own in a foreign country ~ however I think this would be a VERY good thing for me as well as a terrifying thing...I need to stand on my own two feet & get out of my comfort zone...I need to go and learn a new language, eat new foods, see new sights and meet new people!

5) Last time I tried to work abroad I failed...I went to work on a cruise ship as a photographer when I was fresh out of university, the contract was for 6months and I lasted 6weeks! The reason that I didn't last a long time was the actual job more than anything. I despised taking photographs of people at dinner/meal times even though my manager and colleagues reassured me that people on cruises wanted those kinds of memories. I couldn't do my job unless I did that part of it, I couldn't just do all the other bits of the job & miss that bit out because that wouldn't be fair to my colleagues...so I left...I came back home and haven't really picked up a camera since! However I don't look upon this experience as a failure, I just look upon it as something I had to do with my life...

...is studying for my TEFL qualification something I have to do with my life too???

^^^ these are my main fears/worries...
*I am worried about disappointing my parents...
*I am worried about leaving my friends and the hobbies that I do... 
*I am worried about just buying a new car & then not being able to drive it...

I honestly don't want to just flounder around for a few more years & buy a house because I think that's what I'm expected to do...I don't want to be "stuck" in my current job where I have nowhere to progress to - progression and growth in a job role is super important to me the older that I get! The reason why there is no progression routes in my job is that Payroll is a small department stuck out on the outskirts of the larger business which is Accountancy/Tax related. As it is a small department (there is only 3 of us) the only progression route would be go into my managers role ~ this is definitely something I do not want. She works absolutely LOADS of hours a week (like 730am - after 6pm) and anything over her base hours a week gets added to her time off in lieu that she can take! However because of the busy nature of our job role there is just no time to take any time off ~ before I went off for my knee operation she worked out that she would need to take 1 or 2 weeks off EVERY month up to December to use up her Lieu time alone!!! What about time for me and my colleague to have holidays/time off??? 

Don't get me wrong, I do love my job :0) it saved me when I was at a point in my life where I needed saving...I was in a seasonal role and on the verge of becoming unemployed. I applied for the role at my current company and it was a bit of a whirlwind as I got the job and a week later I was working there!!! I was so excited as it is a 9am-5pm job Monday to Friday...however the longer I have been there (& I've only been there 7 almost 8 months) the more my hours have extended...starting work at 830am and working through my half an hour lunch break to finish at maybe 615pm at the latest...this is something I thought that I had left behind when I worked at Pleasurewood Hills...the days there were exhausting (8am - 645pm at the longest!) some days not even sitting to have lunch & just eating it on the go! Yet I am STILL doing it, eating on the go and not having a proper break away from work in the middle of the day!!! If I choose to have a lunch break and leave at the regular time I would normally then I feel super bad about the never ending workload that I'm leaving behind...my day is long anyway because I live 45mins-an hour away from the city which I work in!

I think if this job had hit me a bit later in life I'd be ever so content to just go to work, come home etc...and I'd have a proper little set routine involving the gym, friends, meals out, nights out & probably have my own little house! Right now I do feel like I am "floundering" for want of a better word...I am living my life at home with my parents and I don't feel like I am achieving anything because I am so settled here! I am comfortable and life is easy! It shouldn't be like that...I should be testing myself, trying things that scare me, achieving all sorts of interesting things & more than that I should be LIVING an exciting life!!! 

On the flip side of everything I have a great CV, if I study for my TEFL then that would just make my CV look even better! So if I leave my current job and try out this whole TEFL thing then I shouldn't find it an issue to get another job if that should be a massive failure ~ should I??? I've got a degree, lots of years of experience in different kinds of jobs, payroll qualifications, IT qualifications etc...

I just want to explore, I've got itchy feet and I just want to go!!! I can't commit myself to anything just yet (because I can't even stand on my own two feet without crutches at the moment!) but as soon as I am independent again I think I will be off...no matter how scared I am! I am going to face my fears & tell my parents about my ideas...

My plan is as follows: get back on my own two feet, lose weight, get back to dancing/Zumba & study for my TEFL qualification even if I don't actually do anything with that qualification straight away (at least it would be better having the qualification than not at all, plus would be money well spent rather than spending it on clothes/shoes/alcohol)!!! 

Sounds like a plan right??? I feel that I type words that are much more positive than they would be if they came out of my mouth...

Wish me luck!!!

If You Could...

...do anything with your life what would that be???

I've been sat here thinking this morning about how people get to where they are in life...like were they born into the life they lead or were they incredibly lucky to get where they are today???

If I could do anything with my life I would move to New York (I love that city) and live my life out helping people in some way...whether that be by being someone's PA, working for a charity, being a counsellor etc...I am an organiser, I love to help people so if I could do anything then that would be it...I would love to also have an online business doing something (not sure what) so I could work from wherever I am in the world...that would give me the flexibility to travel and see the world...I hate being so static in life, I hate that my job ties me to where I live and ties me to how much of the world I can see...

I think because I don't have much else to do that my mind is working overtime...it's good thinking and having internal debates with yourself though :0) I think that's the way that ideas and future plans are formed...I'm getting itchy feet again that's all, in my whole life I have never sat still for so long and it pains me! I have always been on the move, going to new places and living in new places! That's the whole reason I have so many friends scattered all over the place and I love that :0) once my knee is sorted I think I will be off, visiting friends in far flung places and enjoying life. The past 3 or so years I haven't truly been me...it's time to rectify that!!!

My heart is in Lowestoft, it truly is! My family and best friends are here. I love my job, it gives me proper job satisfaction for the first time ever...but there's something niggling me and I don't know what it is...I loved psychology at A-Level, I should've pursued this as a career instead of following my Art & Design roots! After all, where did that get me??? A photography degree that I can't even bear to acknowledge...what a waste of my time I guess! However on the flip side at least I have a degree that I can be proud of :0)...as you can tell there is a conflict of opinion within myself when it comes to my previous studies!

So I guess my next move is to figure out what I want to do...I think if I do anything I will do a home study course! The reason being for this is that I can't really afford to not be working, I wish I'd studied for a better degree when I had the option to but hey I suppose I am just going to have to deal with previous life choices and find a way to be doing exactly what I am happy with! I hate battling with myself, I wish I knew what path to take to be truly happy in life. Truth is I have never known exactly what I want to do in life, I've kinda always bumbled along hoping for the best. Now I realise I should've worked hard from the word go ~ followed my passion and not stopped! I should've never become disappointed when an experience didn't go the way I expected. I should've picked myself up the moment I came back off that cruise ship & not just settled for any old job (which is what I did do!)...and because I did that I will always feel slightly disappointed in myself and know that I could've done better!

The next difficult step is actually working out the best route to take...& not wasting any money or time on something that may not get me anywhere!...that's the scary bit...right??? 

BRING IT ON!!!